Toilet Paper Cures In Vitro Rectal Cancer in Laboratory Scientists

Posted on 6th January 2017 in MSMBS

A shocking discovery was revealed today by the American Scientific Society when they published their findings in Noture magazine – a leading journal of scientific inquiry: “Toilet Paper Cures In Vitro Rectal Cancer in Laboratory Scientists.”

The study involved scientists at the ASS posing the dual roles of researcher and subject wherein they harvest rectal tissue from each other, cloned it, and using a retroviral technique of inserting short sequences of DNA in specific regions of the hosts rectal tissue DNA, they can cause the cells to revert back to stem cells and can, thus, effectively function as undifferentiated carcinomas which were let to proliferate. These cancer cell cultures were then treated with 3 different brands of toilet paper delivered by three different means (direct insertion, patting and wiping) at three different temperatures (kitchen, bedroom, bath).

The results show that, under all conditions, the stem cells reverted back to lab scientist rectal tissue except for the case in which bleached sheets were applied which caused sustained cell necrosis.

ASS scientists believe these finding are consistent with the fact that so few people in the defecating population contract rectal cancer!

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Scientists Finally Unable to Disprove Slow Bang Theory

Posted on 18th January 2015 in MSMBS, Science, Theory

by H. Gibrain

In recent years, a team of French and Swiss natural philosophers – led by Gray Schwartz (no pun intended) – have been able to disprove the existence of the beginning of time; however, this has recently changed! In early January, a group of six teams of scientists conducted simultaneous experiments in different locations on earth and in space to to show that any one particular matter/anti-matter (matter’s inseparable bed buddy) pair were linked together by an energy field that extends across the entire space-time continuum. The existence of this all permeating field disproves, or more precisely, eliminates the need for verifying the existence of the Higg’s boson since it adjusts the energy field tensor in a way that compensates for its extra missing momentum. This astounding result conclusively shows that they are unable to disprove the Slow Bang Theory (SBT) which, up until this time, was basically discounted by the scientific community. Much like Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity, the implications of Slow Bang were at first considered absurd and for this very reason SBT was ignored for the better part of a century.


Ironically, it was also Einstein who defined insanity as “repeating something and expecting different results.” It was Gray Schwartz who revisited SBT as an undergraduate studying at Berlin Technishe Universitat and revived an interest in it.


Well, I was contemplating the nature of the Higg’s particle when I thought, if theory hasn’t been proven empirically at this point we’re either too stupid to invent a device that can measure it – which I don’t think is the case – or the theory is wrong and the better part of the physics community is insane – looking in the same place over and over for something that just doesn’t exist. I mean, so few people understand this stuff to begin with that those of us who, say, make it up that hill are following the route set by very few explorers – which is to say we are followers and not leaders and have lost the courage to make up something new since there space, at the summit, is, essentially, isotropic.”


Since that time, Schwartz’s team have essentially been working in the closet trying to come up with an approach that eliminate the need for the Higg’s particle yet retain the basic features of Quantum Statistical Relativistic Fluid Dynamics and the Big Bang Theory which accurately predict all of the basic features of the universe that we are able to perceive.


Their approach is contained in these three Lemmas


  1. There is no why?
  2. Probability exists in redundant simultaneous states of zero probability and infinite probability (otherwise know as the “zero probability/infinite probability duality” or “zero equals infinity parity”)
  3. Matter and Anti-matter are held together by Slow Light which permeates the known and unknown universe (commonly referred to as the Multiverse).


The first of these three Lemmas is the equivalent and corollary to Einsteins first postulate in the Special Theory of Relativity which states that there is no aether, that light is the same in all inertial frames. As there is no preferential direction for light to travel, there is no reason for light to travel. It is just something that happens: “ignota originem ad infinitum” as the saying goes. It is a principle violation of causality which is the limitation to natural scientific progress – the assumption that things happen for a reason or that they must even if it can not presently be determined. The current working theory is that if we can determine causality at this time, we are to assume there is a cause and there is no reason “and we’ll see what we get,” as Schwartz put it. “Like gravity,” Schwartz adds, “we have books on gravity too big for even Atlas to carry in a book bag that describe how things behave in the presence of a gravitational field yet no one understands why gravity is what it is. Well, we’ve given up trying to understand why some things are the way the are, like gravity and Slow Bang, and make the general assumption, as a result of the principle of slow light, that the entire universe is just on infinitesimally small point covering the entirety of time-space and everything else, that is, the inner workings, including you and me and ants and bosons and quarks and atoms, are nothing more than part of an energy exchange of the internal dynamics of a one-body system and, in fact, we’re kinda like the glue that holds the whole thing together. Or, another way of looking at it is that the whole thing is the glue which holds the glue together.”


The second postulate is an extension of the first and is, in its essence, corollary to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle and the correspondence principle with a little bit of Murphy’s law. While hard to put words to the actual mean of the second lemma of Slow Bang, it can be thought of by the following crime thought experiment:


Consider a party that you’ve invited your closest friends to. Each of these friends brings their trusted partner (trusted to them but not necessarily to you). Late into the evening you notice that one of your possessions has been absconded and you are wondering who might be responsible this inconsiderate act. You realize that it can’t be your trusted friends so you eliminate them from the probability pool of those who could have committed this infraction. This of course, increases the probability that it was their trusted partners – the most obvious choice since your close friends wouldn’t steal from you. However, you realize that the very fact that those who are most likely to commit the crime couldn’t commit the crime because they know that they would be more suspect than your trusted friends so they wouldn’t do it. Which immediately points the finger back at your trusted friends. The least likely to commit the crime is the most likely to commit the crime which then makes them the least likely. Schwartz describes this as “mobious probability” or “double suicide.”


To deal with Lemma III we must define slow light. “Slow light is the extreme fringe of probability beyond the boundaries of matter,” according to Professor Schwartz. “It is like the empty space of an atom, or the space between the earth and the sun, or that slight pause in between beats of a heart, or a rest in music. It is where matter emerges from anti-matter and anti-matter consumes matter. It is the nascent property of the multiverse “ignota originem ad infinitum. What is important to keep in mind when thinking about slow light, is that it is a unifying energy between everything in the universe. This idea is, in fact, illustrated by the nature of the photon and, as we say “orchestrated by the spiriton” which is the term we came up with to deal with both the lack of causality yet a clear and present presence in time-space. The spiriton is what I call the “god particle”. It is the anti-why things happen. It is the very consciousness of matter itself and is the unifying property of all things in the multiverse which is to say, quite literally, we are all one body.”

MSMBS Breaking News: Swiss Knesset passes Direct Engagement Law

Posted on 20th August 2014 in MSMBS, Nonviolence Resistance, Stories


The Swiss Parliament passed the “Direct Engagement”  law last week by a near unanimous vote. This new law requires arms manufacturers to train and deploy soldiers, militants, resistance and terrorists to fight with the weapons they sell to foreign governments. It is seen as both a victory for peace workers who believe that a neutral country, as Switzerland, can not maintain neutrality in conflict when it is, in fact one of the largest arms dealers in the world.


“How can we provide the means of war and still considered ourselves a neutral country. It is sheer absurdity to have such a belief that we do not engage in direct violence when we provide the world with the most sophisticated weapons on earth,” says Reudi Knopfler, a former parliamentarian from Bern.


Ironically, it is also considered a victory by arms manufacturers and the military. Since all men must go into the military, Switzerland’s defensive defense posture still makes it one of the most militarized countries in the world – up there with Germany and Israel.


“The very notion that we will be able to fight with and for our comrades in foreign lands, putting our training to good use and, finally, being able to utilize our sophisticated war machinery – which we are most certainly proud of – is a boon to all of our brave young men,” says General Sarmad Rossi one of the bills co-founders.


Still, there are many controversial issues surrounding the new law, yet with a majority of neo-nazi and national socialist groups now on the rise in Swiss parliament and the Swiss population at large, currently amounting to around 33% of the Swiss parliament, this sort of militarization was seen as inevitable by the left and more moderate members of parliament and civil society.


The new law has some rather peculiar features which are sure to raise red flags in the United Nations as they contradict some basic tenets of international law. However, the new law is crafted such that it treads in a sort of no mans land whereby a nations sovereignty supersedes certain aspects of international law when it comes to corporate personhood and the registration of international corporations on sovereign territory. One of the tenets, for example, forbids arms deals that will land weapons in the hands of children of those nations to where arms are sold. However, the bill allows for the training of Swiss children to go and fight as child soldiers under the flag of other nations since the skirts the issue of illegality of arming children of foreign nations. The first group of Swiss child soldiers is already set to deploy to South Sudan at the end of November after their basic training is complete. Protests in Geneva, Bern, Zurich and Basel were peacefully disrupted with tear gas canisters and rubber coated bullets sending a strong message that fringe elements of society will not control the destiny of a legitimately elected democracy.


Another battalion of resistance fighters are training in the alps to fight in Gaza as a result of a long investigation which traced arms sales from Dubai, the UAE, Saudi Arabia, and the US which finally ended up in the hands of Hamas resistance fighters in Gaza. The new law does not allow for the proxy sales of Swiss weapons to foreign nationals but it does allow for the direct engagement of Swiss civil society in conflicts throughout the world and, thus legitimizes the Swiss battalions intentions to go fight alongside their Palestinian brothers and sisters who would, ultimately, be using their weapons in some sense.


Similar regiments of Swiss civilians are in training to go fight US intelligence in Syria and Iraq as well as the Ukraine, Nigeria, Sudan, and other conflict zones around the world that would ultimately see the equivalent of “made in Switzerland” printed on shells and other ordinance dropped and deployed in their countries.


Denmark, Sweden, Norway and Holland are considering similar legislation. One Dutch Parliamentarian argues, “it makes complete sense, why should we arm innocents and subject them to the brutality of our governments policies which are completely outside of their purview. We don’t see Palestinians voting in Nederlandischer Parliamentary elections, do we? So we shouldn’t see them being subject to our policies without their voice being heard and to that end I support similar legislation as the Direct Engagement law that Switzerland has pioneered. It puts the middle man back in his rightful place. Let out brave citizens fight for our agenda in foreign lands – the way we used to do it during our proud colonial days.”

MSMBS Breaking News: Israel puts travel ban on domestic and feral animals: Scorpion detained at border, Falcon shot down.

Posted on 3rd August 2014 in Animal Rights, Articles, MSMBS, Stories

In a latest decision by the Israeli Knesset, legislation was passed forbidding anyone born in the Palestinian Territories from entering Israel until they’re done bombing Gaza. While the new legislation does not explicitly prohibit the travel and migration of other than human animals into Israel’s walled off enclave, there have been numerous reports indicating that this legislation does not explicitly not ban cross border travel for other than human animals. Earlier this morning there was an incident reported at the Qalandia checkpoint between Ramallah and Jerusalem in which a Falcon, presumably Palestinian according to the IDF soldier, attempted to fly across the border into Israel.

“While there is no real way of telling if this is a Palestinian Falcon or an Israeli Falcon, we can’t take the risk. It is worth it to sacrifice one of our own for the sake of preventing… well, I’m not really sure but who cares. If it’s Palestinian, it has no right to be in Israel.”

At another less frequented checkpoint where most of the traffic are settlers going in and out of the illegal settlements in and out of Israel proper, a scorpion was detained, questioned and released back in the direction West Bank as it was attempting to cross the checkpoint. The same scorpion, it was presumed, later attempted to cross again and this time was shot by an IDF soldier.

“We will have none of this. This person was detained, questioned and sent back. At the second attempt to cross the border it was immediately considered a security threat and neutralized,” said the IDF soldier who asked to remain anonymous.

Navi Pillay, the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights, expressed a grave concern for such measures indicating a greater isolation for Israel among the member states to the UN Charter.

“While such measures do indicate that Israel is ahead of the rest of the world when it comes to extending the right of legal personhood to non-human species, we are concerned since these measures seem to be used only as a means to further isolate and discriminate against the indigenous population. However, seeing as we are the UN, based on our current structure we are powerless to do anything against this decision and until the UN has a second charter convention and gets rid of the security council you can expect that Israel will continue to act with impunity… oh, and so will the US, Russia, China, France, the UK and so on.”