by Jim Un
In a strange shift of political warmongering, Mike Pence threatened South Korea with military action after being served Gayme™ dumplings at the resident of South Korean President Moon. Apparently, it was a rebellious act by one of the Moon’s top chef’s who was offended by Pence’s position on homosexuality, gender equality, and his basic inherent contradictions wrapped up in his religious beliefs. After being told of the situation by a male staffer – who will later be accused of sexually assaulting one of Moon’s servers after which it will come out the he and Pence were having an affair – including fellatio in the oval office – and forced to resign or be disappeared or both, Pence threw a hissy fit.
The idea for gay beef (Gayme ™) came from scientist Marty Lion Allbright when he was an undergraduate student. “I was in bio class being taught about lesbian gulls and it hit me immediately that there must be gay steer and lesbian cows and chickens and fish and all that and we’ve probably all been eating gay meat our entire lives without realizing it. Now, I’m not gonna say you are what you eat and that eating gay meat, intentionally or otherwise, is what is making people gay; nothing of it. Rather, it was simply a business idea to market to other-than heterosexuals,” states Allbright. “After years of field testing, we collected a ‘flock’, if you will, of animals that appeared either willing or desirous to participate in acts of homosexuality and then slaughtered them and fed them to test subjects in a blind taste test,” Allbright added. Based on the studies, published in Nature Magazine, the gay meats took the cake: 4 out of 5 people preferred gay beef, chicken, fish, pork, and lamb over the heterosexual counter-parts.
While South Korea’s leader has not yet revealed that he is anything other than heterosexual, his head chef Keong Juan noticed that Moon had a particular liking for Gayme™. “When I heard of it I was first opposed to the idea. WTF are they doing forcing animals to be gay. Eventually, though, I decided to serve it to the President and on that day he specifically asked me about the change in animal proteins on the menu. I told him we had a new supplier. There was nothing untrue about that,” Jaun noted as if to defend himself. “When I heard Pence was coming here I didn’t even have to think about it. I immediately ordered my staff to prepare a variety of Gayme™ Mandoo (dumpings) to be served as a second course right after the sweet and sour soup made with transgender pork.”
One of Pence’s staff overheard the chefs laughing about something while he was molesting one of the waitstaff in a bathroom near the kitchen and, after a series of inquiries was ultimately informed that the soup was made with what on chef referred to as “Laughing Stock” and the dumplings had Beef Gayme™. This was immediately reported to Pence causing him to lurch up from his seat and decry South Korea as an enemy of God and the United States. “You have deeply insulted me and my Christian faith in which all people are considered sacred who follow god’s will. You have so tainted my pure soul with this outrageous act that it can be considered none other than an act of aggression against a foreign dignitary which is an act of war. Whoever is responsible for this shall pay for it or the entire Korean Peninsula will be subject to the collective punishment of the full force of the United States Military – something you all know quite well.”
The crowd responded with hilarity drowning out Pence’s childish tantrum and fundamentalist mutterings as they, and seemingly much of the rest of the civilized world, do not take Pence or the US, for that matter, seriously.